Red's Bones

.... by D. Grant DeMan

The First in what we hope to be a gathering of stories, vignettes, anecdotes which are either pure truth, party truth, apocryphal or invention arising from the memories and minds of former members and those who know these things of the long time ago British Columbia Provincial Police Department. Of this story, D. Grant DeMan says, "Since this tale is truly anonymous and must have passed on through many minds and ears, I feel absolutely okay about coloring it up a mite before passing it on. Let the original 'owners' dispute the 'facts'."

This story, The Matter of Red's Bones - Law enforcement apocrypha passed on by Eric Hallam, Retired Police Chief, to D. Grant DeMan (who naturally added his own peculiar spin ) and others.

A British Columbia Provincial Police Tale in which all names are fictitious and much of the detail a matter of conjecture, though Chief Hallam's anonymous correspondent swore it actually happened.

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One blazing sun-bleached day a cowboy named Red was riding a British Columbian range when he noticed a gunny sack along his trail prompting him to rein up, dismount and examine it's contents. "Bones!" Red's voice echoed through the canyon addressed to no one in particular, "Them's human bones."

In due time-following a long spring roundup, and dogie-castrating whoopup-hoolian - the cowpoke rode into the nearest Provincial Police Detachment and unceremoniously dumped his find on the counter. Since there was no skull found among the remains, NCO Sergeant Morales had little success tracking down the identity of the deceased, nor of the mysterious second owner, who presumably sacked the remains in the first instance - it being pretty much assumed that some unfortunate did not likely jump into a sack, expire, and subsequently have his or her head dragged off by a coyote or cougar. Having thus inquired of Missing Persons, schools, hospitals and Indian reservations, Morales was discouraged. He even sent the bones to the Vancouver forensic lab, hoping some light could be shed on the age, sex, etc. - and they came back stamped "Results Negative." So he duly stowed Red's discovery in the Exhibit Locker.

Some time later - much later - Section NCO, Staff-Sergeant Gunny Triwater rode in to inspect the detachment. "I'm mighty worried," Morales told him. "While we were making renovations, we laid our exhibits out there alongside the trash, where they was accidentally picked up for the dump. Them remains, those bones Red brought in, were among that stuff. A missing body, and I don't know how in blazes to account for it."

Triwater thought, and then spoke: "Reckon I'll postpone this inspection, Morales. You write a letter requesting permission to discard said bones since over two years has elapsed and all investigations exhausted."

"That sounds like a plan!" exclaimed Morales and proceeded to do so. But meanwhile, in anticipation of a surprise visit by the O/C. Inspector, he covered his tracks by retrieving a batch of fresh heifer bones from the local slaughter house, sacking them and placing them in the new exhibit room.

It wasn't long before he received a call from Triwater, "Okay now. Dispose of the exhibit, but do it correctly," Morales could hear the Staff Sergeant chuckling. "To maintain the dignity of the deceased, the person must be given a proper funeral by a bona fide undertaker."

Therefore the policemen built a neat little coffin with Red's bones secured tightly therein, and took it to the funeral director. As chance would have it, an extravagant funeral for a highly regarded citizen was in the offing, thereby providing the opportunity and a free-to-the-Force unmarked resting place for the small casket, he informed them. Problem solved.

Thus, following a magnificent flower-festooned chapel service in which both remains lay peacefully side-by-side, six grieving pall-bearers slid them into a shiny black Cadillac hearse, leading a long impressive procession to a solemn grave-side ceremony where they were somberly lowered into the earth, as Morales, hat-in-hand, shed a tear of relief...Ashes to ashes...dust to dust....

There is no record of Cowpuncher Red ever claiming back the lost bones and sack. Nor a resolution of the mystery.

Though St. Peter must have had a pleasant surprise when he opened the Pearly Gates that morning to a little bob-tail heifer bawling for admission.

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Ed Note: This is what we hope will be the first in a series of stories about and from the long ago disbanded British Columbia Police Department. A few of the veterans of the force still meet on a regular basis. They, through retired Chief Eric Hallam, have given The Inditer some indication that they will co-operate in submitting these stories, vignettes, anecdotes, whether apocryphal or gospel, to D. Grant DeMan, who has in turn, assured us he will transform them into entertainment for all to enjoy. Our sincere thanks to Eric Hallam, D. Grant DeMan and the BC Police Veterans for their co-operation.

A brief History of the British Columbia Provincial Police

D. Grant DeMan's Main Page - - - The Inditer Index - - - The Inditer Main Page

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