Doug Powers

The scientist stood in front of the clicking cameras of dozens of reporters. The world was buzzing about their latest breakthrough, the mapping and sequencing of the DNA of the entire human genome.

"And so you see," Said Skip McKittrick, lead scientist for the Human Genome Project (HGP), "this is a discovery of immense proportions. Everything from curing disease, to halting the aging process, to identifying the likes of Celine Dion before conception is now a reality."

Behind McKittrick stood Stookie Beekerman, his loyal assistant of 10 years who was beginning to become jealous at all the attention his boss was getting. Beekerman did as much if not more of the work on the project than McKittrick and now was feeling left out of the limelight.

A reporter spoke up. "Mr. McKittrick, President Clinton says that this map now proves that at the core, we are all 99.9% exactly the same, is that true?"

"Well," McKittrick rubbed his fingers on his chin and thought aloud, "I guess that may be true, but it's that .01% of us that ends up on Monica's dress that makes all the difference, isn't it?"

The room filled with nervous laughter as another reporter asked a question. "When will we get to see the actual map?"

"At tonight's banquet I will unveil the actual map." Said McKittrick, a balding, middle aged man with round, wire rimmed glasses and a goatee speckled with gray. In short, just like every other scientist you've ever seen, the spitting image of Ed Rollins.

Another reporter spoke. "Aren't you afraid that this mapping could be used in a discriminatory way? I mean, people could be told before birth that their children may be, let's say, overweight or homosexual, what if some narrow minded parent decided that they didn't want that?"

"A fine world this would be without any movie critics, eh Beekerman?" Said McKittrick.

More nervous laughter filled the briefing room as Beekerman nodded in agreement at his boss.

"You'll know more tonight at the banquet when I unveil the entire map. Have a good day and we'll see you tonight." McKittrick said as he stepped down from the podium and exited the room through the back door with Beekerman in tow.

As they walked in to a large room which was empty, save for the gene map which lay open, covering an entire 4' by 4' card table. McKittrick looked at the map with a gleam of satisfaction. Years and years of hard, laborious and painstaking work had finally paid off and he was now famous in the scientific community and indeed, the world.

McKittrick checked his watch and realized he had to get home for a shower and change of clothes before the big banquet that night, then he realized that he was a lab scientist, so he'd do neither. He sat down with Beekerman and started to fold the map. 4 hours later they finally got all the fold lines to match up and the map was now in a compact 6"x4".

"Whew!" McKittrick said to Beekerman, "That was like trying to get Carnie Wilson in to bicycle shorts. Okay, I'll see you at the press conference tonight where we'll unveil this thing. Until then I'll throw it in my glove compartment, okay?"

"Sure thing boss, see ya tonight." Said Beekerman as they both walked out in to the parking lot.

"You're not mad that I'm getting most of the press on this thing are you?" McKittrick asked Beekerman as they stood near their cars. "I mean, it just works better if only one of us talks to the press, you know?"

"Sure boss, I know. No hard feelings."

Beekerman watched as McKittrick got in his car and threw the gene map in to his glove compartment and drove off. Beekerman then got in his car but the key wouldn't even go in the ignition. It wasn't his car. Must be a scientist thing.

"Jealous my ass. I'm not jealous of him in the least, I just want my fair share of credit, that's all. Is that too much to ask?" Beekerman spoke to himself under his breath as he pulled out on to Skip McKittrick Blvd.

As he came to a red light, he spotted McKittrick three cars ahead. He decided to follow him. After waiting while McKittrick stopped at a 7-11 for a large Wild Cherry Slurpee, pack of Chuckles, and a corn dog (must be a scientist thing) they were on the move again, finally pulling in to an apartment complex. McKittrick got out of the car and went in to his apartment.

Beekerman got out of his car and ducked in to the covered garage where McKittricks car was, opened the passenger side door, reached in the glove compartment, grabbed the map, and took off.

That night every major media figure was in attendance. The air was filled with anticipation as Beekerman felt his coat pocket where the gene map was. He just stood by the back door which was used only by himself and McKittrick. He waited...and waited.

Finally, at about a quarter to eight, he heard McKittricks car pull up to the door. When McKittrick came in the door, Beekerman grabbed him from behind and held an ether soaked handkerchief up to his face. The struggle lasted but a second before McKittrick was out cold on the floor. Beekerman then used the hanky to wipe Slurpee and corn dog residue from the beard of McKittrick.

"Friggin slob." Beekerman said to himself. He knew the effects of the ether wouldn't last long, so he tied McKittrick to a chair and placed a gag in his mouth. He then headed out to the banquet room with the gene map and informed the host of the event that McKittrick would be unable to attend that night for the big unveiling because of the flu, and that he would be standing in for him for the worldwide press conference.

"Ladies and gentleman," said host Regis Philbin, "Here to give us more details on what will turn out to be the most monumental discovery in the history of mankind is Stookie Beekerman, filling in for Skip McKittrick who has the flu."

"Thank you, Regis." Said Beekerman to the whirr of cameras and pops of flashbulbs as he reached in to his pocket. "I have here the final gene map. This discovery will change the course of history and how we view ourselves, treat diseases and...other stuff."

By this time McKittrick was conscious and fighting to untie himself. He was furious that his loyal and trusted assistant had taken this measure.

Back in the banquet room, Beekerman put the top of the map on a bulletin board, placed a stick pin in it, and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the entire map of the human genome."

He then, using both hands, unfolded downward the map. The room stood silent, but not for long.

A reporter spoke up. "That's a map of Indiana you moron!"

Beekerman's eyes grew as big and bloodshot as Ted Nugent's dinner plates. He'd taken the wrong map from McKittrick's glove compartment.

"Wait, it's...uh...well, you see Indianapolis there, that represents the 'center' of us all, and South Bend, that's, uh, our sexual drives and whatnot." Beekerman was stumbling to explain.

"C'mon guys, we've been had. Cruel trick Beekerman. Let's go." Said Regis as he and the others in the room walked away.

"No, wait, I..."

The last reporter left the room saying, "Beekerman, your career just crashed faster than a NASA probe designed by Charlie Sheen."

In the back room, McKittrick looked down at his coat pocket containing the gene map and laughed as hard as a guy who's gagged and tied to a chair can laugh.