Edgar Allen Poe

"Michael Jackson was the obvious choice," said studio executive Robert Wafler, after his usual lunch of hallucinogens on rye. "I had originally narrowed my choices down to three possible candidates. It was either going to be Michael Jackson, Bea Arthur, or that giant Panda from the Cincinnati Zoo. Well, the Panda died before I could contact his agent and, for some strange reason, Bea Arthur wouldn't stop laughing long enough to sign the contract. So, that left me with Michael. Who, in my opinion, just happens to be perfect for the role. I mean heck, I don't know about you, but whenever I think of Edgar Allen Poe, I always think of a highly emaciated and reclusive little creature of indeterminable race, color, or creed, who's sporting a skull which appears to have come straight from the deepest recesses of a Roman Catacomb."

"He knows what he's doing," said Robert's mother, Denise Wafler, from her hospital room in the Napa Valley Mental Health Clinic. "There are are a lot of people in Hollywood," she continued, while crawling around the room on all fours, "who are envious of Robert and quick to criticize any decision that he makes. They say he's crazy, that he's insane. But he's not, and I should know because I raised him. He's the most perfectly sane man on the face of the Earth. And if you don't believe me, just ask the Giant Panda that lives in his pants. Or better yet, go ask Bea Arthur."

... Bea Arthur released the following statement through her agent, James Linderman. "Mr.Wafler's a flipping loon. I never had any intention of playing Edgar Allen Poe, and contrary to the latest spate of rumors Mr.Wafler's been spreading about me, I have not, I repeat, not...agreed to play the role of Spartacus in his upcoming remake."

In an effort to quelch the recent plethora of Waflerian rumors floating around Hollywood, several other celebrities have recently joined Bea Arthur in issuing public statements of their own.

Britney Spears... "I am not now, nor have I ever discussed with Mr.Wafler, the possibility of my playing the role of Rooster Cogburn, in True Grit II."

Charlton Heston: ..."Listen up, you moron. If you call my house and harrass me one more time I'm going to blow your head off. Get it through your head you human mud-flap. I am not going to play Mary frickin' Poppins!"

Denzel Washington: "Mr.Wafler, unless you wish to hear from my attorneys, I strongly I suggest that you stop bothering me. Besides, I don't believe that I'd be entirely credible in the role of Mary Pickford."

Mickey Rooney: "I hereby categorically deny any and all rumors connecting me with the lead role in the Wafler film, "The Life and Times of a Porn Queen."

Farrah Fawcet: "I categorically deny being offered the lead role in anything whatsoever. By Wafler or anyone else."

Mickey Rourke: "I'll play the porn queen."

According to James Delaney, the films producer, it will most likely carry an R rating. "Not because of violence," says Delaney. "But simply because this particular Edgar Allen Poe will, throughout the entire film, demonstrate an incredibly abnormal penchant for grabbing at his crotch."

"There will be a lot of interesting new twists," says screenwriter Jefferson Gill. "I've been meeting with Michael for the past few weeks and he's offered me lot of fascinating ideas. He also offered me the Elephant Man's left pinky finger and a bubble bath with his favorite monkey."

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In a final, and bizarre footnote...

The descendants of Edgar Allen Poe, through the New York law firm of Ghingum, Miller & Roe, recently sent the following letter to Michael Jackson's Estate.

Dear Mr. Jackson:

We regret to inform you that we must refuse your request to exhume our Great Grandfather's bones, in order that they might be displayed in the theatre's lobby during your film's Grand Opening. We also appreciate your further promise of providing his mortal remains with a lifelong home at your Neverland Ranch, and for offering us all free lifetime passes. Unfortunately, we must decline these offers as well.

Thank you

The Poe family

PS: We hope the pendulum falls and cuts your skinny ass in half. You freak.

©1999 -Ian Patrick Wolff/The Wolff Den.