"I told him not to touch that wire," said longtime nursing home roomate, Wilson Green, "but he wouldn't listen. That's how John was. He was always touching things he shouldn't. Like musical instruments, for example."
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Now that was a tasty chicken recipe, eh?
...On a sad note, and weren't they all? Famed musician John Tesh was buried today. Thousands of grief stricken people looked on in horror as the massive (three car) funeral procession carrying John Tesh's body suddenly interrupted the parade they were watching. "They came out of nowhere," said one parade goer, "and one of the cars following the hearse was playing some wierd kind of music. Really freaky stuff. Somebody said it was the old dead guy's music. Whatever it was, It scared the hell out of the horses and made all the elephants go apeshit."
"We still can't find ol' Bessie," said elephant trainer, James Cartwright. "The last we heard she was somewhere on Market street trying to stick her head into a cement mixer."
"It was horrible," said Thelma Jennings, who's three young children had suffered second degree burns when in an effort to escape the noise they'd plunged their heads into a vat of hot taffy. "I thought it was the end of the world," she continued, while dabbing at the trickle of blood flowing from her left earlobe. "My husband started screaming and ran down into that manhole over there. He's peeked out twice but he won't come out. I think he refuses to believe that it's really over."
Luckily, no one was seriously injured, except for one extremely startled savant, who ran into oncoming traffic while screaming "burn, baby burn, burn baby, baby burn!" Doctors are happy to report that the man has fully recovered. However, he's no longer capable of doing complex mathamatical equ ations in his head. "In fact," Said doctor William Bennington, "the poor bastard can't even count his own fingers now. And that's not because of the truck."
The ceremony for Mr.Tesh took place at 'Our Lady of an Inexplicable Cacophony.' And in not keeping with the families wishes, it was a small and very private affair. Notables in attendance included Julio Japowski, better known as Ricky Martin's poolboy during the summer of 02.' Also in attendance were several dozen people who, holding their bingo cards aloft, waited somewhat impatiently until Mr.Tesh's casket was finally removed from their playing table.
The euology was delivered by pastor William Gerrard, via email, to the church's chief administrator Carlene Delworthy, who in turn gave it to Julio, who then read it aloud to the Tesh family members and angry bingoers.
Excerpt:
...Some of you may be asking yourselves, "but how does father Gerrard know that John is with God?" The answer to this question is simple. God said,"believe in me, and you shall be delivered." Now, one needs only listen to John's music to realize that here was a man with an unyielding rock solid belief in the existence of an all forgiving and all merciful entity...
Many Tesh family members expressed outrage over the fact that none of John's music was played during the services. "We wanted to play his music," said father Gerrard, "but our midi player crashed recently and our browser's on the fritz. We had a CD player in the rectory but someone seems to have stolen it. Our pianist was sick and our entire church choir had recently been killed in a freak busing accident. Our organist, however, did offer to play a medly of Mr.Tesh's music during the ceremony. Unfortunately, he never made it into church that morning. His car blew up."
"Sure, I'm gonna miss him," said John's longtime roomate, Wilson Green, while tightning the twist-tie on a Glad bag full of John's old CD's. "Things just won't be the same around the ol' nursing home anymore," he continued, while climbing onto a chair and fastening the Glad bag to a rope suspended from the chandalier in the nursing home's recreation room. "We're all gonna miss him," chimed forty or so cane wielding members of the nursing home as they busily placed their names into a hat. "Oh yeah, we're gonna miss John real bad," said 81 year old Bob Linderman. "In fact, I don't know how we're gonna sleep at night without hearing his Red Rock concert played over and over again in an endless feckin' loop."
"I'm first, I'm first!" Shrieked 86 year old Bettie Grimes, as she raised her walker aloft and sent it smashing into the Glad bag, causing it's contents to spill upon the ground. At which point, and to the amazement of all, an elephant came crashing through a nearby wall and began stomping on the pile.
©1999 -Ian Patrick Wolff/The Wolff Den.
