Shakespeare was being nice when he said
“Kill all the lawyers.”
Killing them is much too kind.
Justice must be served.
An eye for an eye.
We must devise a form of punishment equivalent to the torment to which
subjected all mankind.
Therefore, I propose
We line them all up against a wall
And make them read the entire tax code from end to end.
And we’ll charge them $200 for every hour it takes.
Those who survive this ordeal
Will be placed in a room full of angry citizens
Who have lost their entire life savings to
(As special dispensation, the aggrieved shall be at liberty to give
personal injury attorneys genuine cases of whiplash.)
Should any lawyers still be kicking at the conclusion of these
A large unmarked waste receptacle will be conveniently placed on the
in Washington D.C.
Where they will be ceremoniously buried in mounds of their own bull
A fitting memorial
To future generations of freedom loving men
Who seek to avoid the errors of the past.
Was born black in 20th century America.
He was a shoeshine boy and a waiter
A garbage man and a handyman
A store clerk and a construction worker.
In fact, he spent so much time surviving
He barely had time for his art.
He died when he was 50.
And no one ever heard of him again.
Put him deep down there
We don’t want to see no hands popping out of the ground
Know what I mean?
He put us all through hell
And now it’s his turn, the bastard.
Here, give me the shovel.
This stuff is like mud.
That’s very appropriate
Did you think of that?
There, all covered up.
Hey, let’s put some of those dead flowers on top.
There, that’s a nice touch.
Goodbye, old man.
This is what it all comes down to in the end, eh?
Was it worth it?
All that money of yours and now
You can’t even buy your way out of a six-foot box.
I hope you notice none of us are crying.
Matter of fact we’re going to get in the limo now and toast your sudden
With your favorite champagne.
And maybe if I stop thinking about it for awhile
All the pain you left behind
Will finally go away.
I think back on what I learned in school and most of it was a waste of
Twelve years of public education and I’ve forgotten 99% of it.
Why didn’t they teach us something useful.
Like auto mechanics.
We all drive cars, but most of us haven’t got a clue what those guys are
talking about when they rip us off for repairs.
Or credit cards. Shouldn’t we have been trained how not to use a credit
card so we wouldn’t go broke?
I mean, geez, I wasted a whole year on trigonometry. I never use
trigonometry. Or chemistry! Or biology! Not once have I had to
dissect a frog in my adult life.
They could have spent that time teaching us something worthwhile like
“How to ask a girl out for a date.”
Or “What to say to her when you get one.”
And there could have been a more advanced course for seniors called
“How to put on a condom without looking like a complete idiot.”
See, this is good, practical information people need.
Or how about spending a few semesters on how to be a good parent.
After all, that’s the most important job most people ever have
And hardly anyone has the faintest idea how to do it.
And people wonder why the world is so messed up.
I wish I could say something to you, Matt
I wish I could tell you why it happened
I wish I could say it was meant to be
I can’t say anything to make it right
You died for no damn good reason.
We are all reminded, all too painfully
There are those in our midst
Who are so completely devoid of feeling for their fellows
That they are capable of the most vile atrocities
Unspeakable acts of terror and cruelty.
We the vast majority who know the truth, the sanctity of life
Must persistently and vehemently decry the degradation of others
The persecution and injustice that are wreaked upon the innocent
We must ensure that the victims of hatred and ignorance are not
By our silence, our apathy or our fear.
We will speak for you, Matthew
We will teach our children to love
We will teach our children to respect
And we will never forget
The loss of those who gave their lives to remind us how far we have to
Before we become a truly human race.
A beautiful Peter Pan dream of a place
Where you may never-never wake up.
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