California or Bust

Diary of a homesteader

1849 Jed, Hannah (that's me), the twelve kids, we haven't had time to choose names for them all yet, and grandma are living peacefully on a small but adequate farm in Missouri. We're rather poor and miserable but that's the norm for us and we don't know no difference. Being real stupid (twelve kids in twelve years) just like my mama and her mama before that I was content with life the way it was.
And so begins my tale of woe

January 19, 1849
Dear Diary
So we just ate our supper and the whole family's gathered round the fireplace, when out of nowhere my husband Jed comes up with this hare brained scheme. He says he wants to take the family and head out west. He heard tale of folks findin gold out in Californy and that everyone is goin to strike it rich.

Well what I wanted to say was, "Right Jed and if everyone wanted to jump off the Empire State Buildin' would you wanna do that do?" but being the obviously psychic, obedient, ignorant servant of a wife that I am I said, "Well Jed that sounds just fine and dandy. Shall I start packin right now?"

January 30 It's been rather hectic here on the farm ever since the news of our upcoming adventure. Jed's managed to secure us a rather large covered wagon and being a typical man, spends hours just admiring his new purchase. The children (all twelve of them) and I have been bustling around trying to decide just what to bring. Jed says we mustn't over pack and that we can buy what we need when we reach our final destination. Now bein' that we are a poor family, the kids don't have no toys to clutter up the wagon and they never had no book learnin' so they can't read which is a good thing cuz there ain't no room for books anyway. Jed and the kids insisted on bringin grandma even after I reminded them that we only got room for the bare necessities and it would mean another mouth (very big mouth) to feed. So much to my dismay, granny in her rocker is onboard for the long haul.

February 28

Ok, so we've been on the trail for about a month now and it's been even worse than I expected. The days are long, what with all of us cramped in the wagon with nuthin to talk about (that stupidity thing runs in the family). Don't think grandma even knows where she is but that don't stop her from runnin' off at the mouth. There's been several times I set her in her rocker out on the trail but shore enuf just as we're pullin out she opens that mouth up and Jed hauls her back up on the wagon. Bein in such cramped quarters has forced me to get to know my children and truth is I'm findin' I don't really take a likin' to any one of them. They're useless when it comes to the chores and now that they've met other children from the other wagons they've been moanin' and groanin' about havin no toys, books or names for that matter. I told them that ain't no good come from bein around their peers but they just asked what peers were and a course I couldn't tell them bein' that I'm so ignorant.

March 30

Well, things have gone from bad to downright ugly. Jed's been actin' the complete fool (which ain't difficult bein' that he's even more ignorant than the rest of us and if you knew his mama you'd understand. He's taken to hangin' out with them other losers just spittin' and swearin' and ridin' them horses like they ain't got a care in the world. Us womenfolk have come up with a name for this disorder. We call it Moonshine And Cowboy Hat Obsession or just MACHO for short. Don't know how much more an ignorant woman like myself can bare.

April 16

Just who the heck came up with the idea that we womenfolk should wear these ridiculous dresses? These elaborate petticoats are just charmin' when you're havin' to go out in the woods to do your business. Oh, did I mention that the wagon broke down due to the excess baggage (grandma) we were hauling so we was forced to lighten the load. I can't seem to get Jed to leave grandma behind. Truth is he's always been a mama's boy. Well, I certainly wasn't goin' to part with my coffee beans and since that barrel weighed bout as much as two of them middle aged children, there really weren't no choice. We hadn't named them two anyway so we just said "Bye kids."

June 13

Well the reason I ain't wrote for a while is that I been struck down with a terrible bout of PMS (Pioneer Madwoman Syndrome) It's been runnin' rampant and just when ya think you're startin' to recover, it strikes up all over again. Those fool husbands don't understand nuthin' about it and wouldn't even consider takin up the slack for us poor womens. Jed and his cronies went and spent all our savings on a map. The feller who sold it to them said that once we hit California if we follered the map we'd surely find gold and strike it rich. Well, as you know I ain't no genius but I did wonder why would someone buy a map when they couldn't read anyways. All's I could see on that map was a bunch of lines leadin' to some word Youlosesucker, which must have been the name of the place where we would find the gold. I considered maybe naming one of the kids' Youlosesucker after our good fortune but if I named one then they'd each be after me for a fancy name and I reckoned it might be harder to get rid of kids once you gave them a name.

June 24

Finally we got to do some shopping and I can't tell ya how shopping just lifts my spirit. Right out in the middle of nowhere we was lucky enough to come across a whole tribe of Indians. While those foolheaded men were out shooting guns and arrows and hootin' and hollerin' we women got down to business. I still had lots of kids left to barter with so I was in heaven. I managed to get me one of them comfortable dresses that the Indian women wear and a stunnin' beaded necklace. Ain't it the truth that a new outfit changes your whole outlook? We all sat around and swapped stupid husband stories and smoked a nice peace pipe, which I must say left, me a bit lightheaded. Later when I told Jed about the great bargain I got he was upset that I'd traded away the two teenagers. Well that just shows what he knows about bargains.

July 25

I'm at my wits end with these youngins getting in my hair and always askin, "Are we thar yet?" They've all got what I like to call Always Driving Hannah Ditzy or just ADHD. This whinin' and carryin' on is getting on my nerves. If only we'd come across a place for me to barter. Maybe my temper's got somethin to do with eatin lard fer breakfast, lunch and dinner. I still don't see why we brought lard along.We're down to the bottom of the barrel and I still aint acquired a taste for it.

August 30

Jed has been in a downright ugly mood and I keep tellin' him it ain't my fault. We run plum outta food a few weeks ago and we was at deaths door having gone for so many days with nuthin' but cactus. Jed was all bent out of shape just cuz I'd thrown out the fifty pound barrel of flour without tellin' him. The thang is, I told him back in Missouri that thare weren't no good reason to lug along that flour. I mean I never even baked when we was livin' on the farm and I certainly weren't about to start baking out here on the trail. Truth be told, grandma was eighty-seven years old anyway and we still had enough wood left to start a darn good fire. All them other families were more than grateful for the meal. Tasted a might bitter if ya ask me, but the kids loved it. They was always partial to grandma.

September 20

Well we was just barely hangin' on by the time we reached California.What with bein' poison water testers and getting traded for food our family dwindled down to just us three. Jed, myself and of course little Youlosesucker. Things just got worse as time went on. We didn't find no gold and Jed run off with some hussy must a been half his age. I bet old grandma would be sittin' up in her grave, that is if she'd a had a grave. Then one day as luck would have it while little Youlose and I was walkin the streets we came across a guy lookin' to buy a map so's he could strike it rich. He seemed to be pretty ignorant like ourselves so I quickly traded him the map (Did you think I was gonna give up my one last child? Shame on you) He said all he had was some beachfront property on the shores of a place called La Jolla and that word had it some day it might be worth maybe twenty dollars or more even. I weren't very excited but since I wasn't getting any other offers and it might be a long time before I 'd run into someone else as ignorant as myself I accepted his offer and wished him luck.

And that's the way the story goes.

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