K. Jennings-Hancock - Five Simple Steps to Staying Married

Five Simple Steps To Staying Married
Until Your T-Fal Falls Out

....By Kathrine Jennings-Hancock

Recently, my husband folded under the pressure of feeling like 'doing me a favor'. I have since reminded him of the ancient marriage counselor who wisely remarked that feelings are fine, so long as we resist the urge to act on most of them.

With all the best intentions, he 'reorganized' the kitchen after we'd received a set of T-Fal pans as a gift. In short, he threw out every pot, pan, lid, and baking tray we owned, 'consolidating our cookware' into one corner of a lower cabinet where he stacked one skillet, three tiny saucepans, and the single Dutch oven that comprised the T-Fal set.

"It's all we'll ever need," he announced proudly. "It's going to be much easier."

Note that the only 'cooking' my husband had done up to that point was to set fire to something as yet unidentified in the bottom of the broiler pan, the one and only time he tried to reheat frozen pizza.

The lack of enough pans with which to cook spaghetti noodles at the same time I make spaghetti sauce has made my life anything but easier, and prompted me to take action to insure that never again will my life be 'simplified'.

First, I sent my husband to the mall on a mission to replace every single pot, pan, lid, and baking tray that had perished in his 'consolidation' effort. Second, I drafted a list for his future reference any time he is seized with an impulse to make my life easier. This simple list, printed in 40-point, jet black, italicized font on neon yellow poster board and mounted in the middle of the refrigerator door, is offered here for the benefit of husbands everywhere who find themselves in the throes of a desire to 'simplify' their spouse's life, but who would be better advised to spend a few minutes pondering:

From Everywife to Everyhusband: Five Simple Steps To Staying Married Until Your T-Fal Wears Out:

1. If it's not broken, don't fix it unless she never uses it. I hate to bring this up, but let's talk about the last curling iron I bought. The one you thought you could make 'more efficient' by rewiring. The net cost: $47.90. That's $46.00 for a haircut and wash and wear perm, and $1.90 for the little plastic rain bonnet I wore to the salon, when I told everyone I was convinced the weather channel had predicted rain. Please adhere to this rule of thumb: If I know we have it, if I've ever seen it, if I've ever used it, or if I have even the vaguest memory of it being in our house/attic/basement/zip code, do not try to improve it!
2. If you want to clean something, start with the bathroom sink (Do not proceed further without written authorization). Your efforts to help with housework are appreciated. It meant a lot that you cared enough to use a full bottle of liquid Joy to get that big load through the dishwasher, and I can't tell you want it meant to me that you tried to brighten that basket of colors I'd been saving for hand washing by running them through the heavy cycle with lots of hot water and bleach, and you'll never know how surprised I was when you got all the windows so clean with my new spray bottle of spot remover, but I really think your efforts would best be put to use with a really big job. Therefore, if you want to clean something, please start with the bathroom sink. All those pesky little hairs that gather around the edge after you trim your moustache are just too much for me to handle on my own.
3. Put it back where you found it...the first time you found it. I know you said you found the vacuum in the garage, so of course that's where you would put it. I'd just like to remind you that you're the one who left it in the garage after you took it out of the hall closet which is, believe it or not, where it actually belongs. I realize it's a crazy idea, and a hard concept to grasp, but vacuums are sometimes used on carpets. They're not just for workbenches, and sucking up all those wood shavings after you've finished a project.
4. Remember: It's OK with me if most household items have only one purpose. I'm flattered that you're so impressed with the quality and absorbency of the new bathroom towels that you want to try them out on your car after you wash it. But bear in mind that I don't want to smell like Turtle Wax when I go to the office in the morning, so maybe the best place to hang them afterward isn't back on the rack where you found them (NOTE: This is the SOLE exception to Step #3). I'm sure he appreciates your thoughtfulness, but I can't believe the garbage man needs another portrait of my sister and her husband, so maybe you shouldn't have left that last one on top of the cans for him to take home.
5. One thin square of toilet paper left on the roll is not an acceptable token of respect for the Little Green Men who sneak in later and replace it with a new roll. The little green men are exhausted, and have fled the country. This means, unfortunately, more work for all of us as we lower lids and replace toilet paper on our own. I know it's tough, but somehow, we must endure.

I hope this has been helpful to husbands everywhere. T-Fal is, after all, designed to last for a lifetime.

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