The Dimpled Chads of Palm Beach County
.....Copyright 2000 by Joseph P. Infranco
Note: "The Dimpled Chads of Palm Beach County" is a satirical selection that must be read with Humphrey Bogart narrating. Those not familiar with The Maltese Falcon and Cassablanca will be at a disadvantage. Please place this caveat at the beginning. As you will see from my prior bio submission, I am an attorney who periodically practices in the area of constitutional law.
When the call came to go to Florida, I wasn't surprised. I keep a small bag packed for these occasions. You see, I'm a dirty guy; a constitutional lawyer for hire. I usually work for the highest bidder: have Bill of Rights, will travel. It's not much, I confess, but it's what I do. I make my living and don't get attached to anyone. I like it nice and clean like that - no ideology. So, when the whole mess kicked up in Florida, I wasn't surprised to get a call from Louie, a Republican operative. Louie and I understand each other. "Hey Sam", he said, "the other guys call you yet?" "You're in luck Louie", I responded as I squashed out what once was a cigarette, "you're first. I'll need plane tickets and the usual retainer." I could hear Louie chuckle through the earpiece. "I like you Sam . . . even though you don't believe in nuthin'. Maybe someday you and me can talk about trickle down economics. In your heart you know we're right." "Stash it Louie", I replied wearily, "you know I only work for myself." "Suit yourself, Sam" he shot back, "just make sure you get here a.s.a.p. We got a lot riding on this one." "Sure, sure" I smirked, "I know . . . the future of the country rests on this one. See you later, Louie." Louie had time for one last shot back: "Don't worry Sam, this one will be easy."
This one will be easy. I got a bad feeling when he said that. You see, these things can get complicated. I should have trusted my instincts and ran to that little Habeas Corpus job in New Jersey. Who could have guessed that she would show up. That of all the cases in all the places on the planet, she would walk back into my life. She was a long tall lean democrat from South Carolina, tough and smart and an expert on foreign relations in the far east. We met on a case in Minnesota, a small and forgettable job for a local congressman. I was sent to prep her for a local press conference, to get her up on the party line. The first time we met, we talked issues, but I could tell there was something connecting between us. We had a few drinks and I let the conversation get personal, usually a bad thing in my line. "What are you in this for, doll face! ?" I asked her. She smiled, though only one part of her lip went up, and thought for a second. "Let's just say I want my social security to be there when I'm old enough. The lock box makes sense to me." I shook my head and grinned. "Suit yourself sweetheart. You don't owe me an explanation, but don't hand me that lock box nonsense. If I had to guess, and it's only a guess, I'd say you like being near power. It's an addiction. I've known plenty like you kid, only listen to me and be careful; it doesn't always end happily." She tilted her head and looked at me quizzically. "So why are you doing this" she drawled. "Don't think I've forgotten you were on the other side in that nominating petition invalidation proceeding in Rhode Island. You did some nice work there Sam."
I was surprised she knew a little about me. She was cool this one, and the currents ran deep. I smiled back, flashing my teeth, thinking how her teeth never showed with that odd grin of hers. "I don't work for anyone but myself," I answered, "I'm strictly in it for numero uno, see?" She tossed her head back a bit, seeming deep in thought. Finally she looked me square in the eye, tough and challenging. "I read some old stuff of yours back in a few dusty law reviews Sam. Some passionate stuff about states rights and the excesses of judicial activism. You had some pretty strong views." Her words hit me hard, like a fist in the kisser. "That was a long time ago, sweetheart . . . a very long time ago."
The phone rang harshly, snapping me out of bitter memories. It was Louie, and he was on the way over to my hotel. A little later we sat in my room where the dapper little republican, as usual, was all business. "Can you hold on a moment while I fix a drink - you want in Louie?" He snapped back, and I could feel the tension, "Make it a spring water. So Sam, what do you know about dimpled chads?" "What's to know?" I shot back. "The piece doesn't fall out, and the machine doesn't count the vote. You want ice with that water?" "Make it straight up, Sam. Here's the deal . . . the other side is saying they count, and wants a hand review. We need you to beat them back, Sam." I let out a low whistle. "I think you've got a good shot Louie, unless of course they want to raise your standard issues of ascertaining voter intent. That could get a little messy." "Yea, well that's why we want you Sam. Go do your stuff. One more thing, though, you may want to pack a rod. Some of these democrat boys play rough." I flashed him a broad smile. "Why Louie, I didn't know you cared. Don't worry, I'm a big boy. If any of those prep school kids get near me, I'll hide real quick." Louie shook his head. "Don't joke with me Sam, just remember and watch your step." When I left my room later, my snubbed nose 38 was snugly packed under my jacket.
I figured I would scout out the polling place where they kept the ballots. It was an abandoned school over on Third Avenue, a neighborhood searching for an identity. At night, the blinking neon lights on old beer signs lit up the street. To the north you had the independent tough guys and winos warming themselves over fires from rusty 55 gallon barrels, who debated politics and solved the world's problems. But you also had your blue hair brigade, the restless retirees scouring the streets for the early bird specials. Usually each side kept to themselves, but now tensions were high as touchy groups from different worlds collided. You could hear the occasional yelling and haranguing over medicare issues and cost of living increases. Up ahead I spotted the school building, a run down single level edifice with cheap stucco and peach colored trim. There was a group of Republican ! toughs hanging out by the door. You can always tell these boys in their pinstripe suits and round glasses. They were plenty angry, and didn't notice me slipping up. "What is your conceptual difficulty in articulating the privatization of social security?" I heard a short mean one snort. Just then he noticed me and reached for his pocket, but another guy stopped him. "Cheese it Skippy", the other man grunted, "Sam is on our side in this one." The short mean guy nodded meaningfully and motioned me by. "Be careful Sam", he said as I passed, "there's a few boys from the other team inside."
He was right about that. Blocking the door to the polling room was a small group of Democrat hoods in suspenders and wing tips talking domestic policy. I was hoping there wouldn't be any trouble, but sometimes it comes with the territory. I walked up slowly and confidently with all eyes on me. Just as I reached the door, a huge clown with slicked back high-tech hair moved in my way. "Going somewhere Sam?' he asked with a leer. "We hear you're working with Louie on this one. Bad choice Sam . . . people get hurt doing that. I don't think I can let you in here, Sam." With guys like this, you can't back off or you lose your rep. I knew I had to take him straight on, but he was a big character and I needed an edge. I eased closer and said with a smile "easy boys, there's no need for trouble; this is preliminary stuff." He was off guard for a second! and I sucker punched him, catching him in the jaw. It hurt my hand, like I hit a whale or a slab of beef, but it knocked him sideways. Then, before he could recover, I was in back of him with my arm around his throat, my gun in his ribs. The rest of the pack surrounded me like wolves, only they couldn't come too close on account that this elk was packing a rod. "You can't stand there forever Sam" said a little ferret-like man. "You boys started this", I growled, "don't make me finish it." It was a stand off, only I wasn't sure how it would end. Then, I heard a woman's voice; "back off boys and let him through." The tough guys looked in the doorway and obediently backed off. I gave my new pal a final squeeze in the neck as a farewell present before shoving him away. "Smart boys", I said "better listen to the lady." "Don't push it Sam" the ferret man hissed, but I w! as already through the door. I turned to see my benefactor and there she was like a ghost from the past. "Hello Sam", she said in her throaty voice as she flashed me that strange half grin. I could scarcely believe my eyes. I hadn't seen or heard from her since that day she threw me over like a disenfranchised voter.
My mind flashed back to a little town in Minnesota and a chance meeting. I'm not the kind of guy who falls quick for a doll, but this time I did. No one can figure these things out; not the poets or the philosophers. Sometimes a girl just gets under a guy's skin. Maybe it was her legal research. I'd never seen anyone so able to decipher legislative intent or find the flaws in a tightly written brief. It made me get soft, and that's bad for a man in my profession. Before I knew it, I found myself offering a partnership, to which she quickly agreed. But it all ended suddenly with yours truly playing the part of a clown. We had picked a time to meet and go shopping for an office suite. I was through with working out of my apartment. It was time to get respectable, with a nice linen letterhead, fax machine, and the rest of the works. But I waited ! on the steps of the courthouse in the rain for someone who never showed. She sent a note that went like this: "I'm sorry Sam, but a better deal came along. I got an offer to work on the Governor of Arkansas' staff. He's a great man; smart, ambitious, and I think he'll go far. Please forgive me Sam." She had played me for a sap, but worse than that, she had made me care. And now here she was, smiling like nothing ever happened. "You look good Sam . . . and I bet your motion practice is still sharp." "Stash it sister", I shot back, and plowed out of the room. This time none of the suspender boys got in my way, and it was a good thing for them.
Back in my room I poured a quick drink, and stared out the window. My head was throbbing like the flashing bulbs on the theater marquee across the street. I was ashamed of how I acted; if she could take it so could I. First off, I needed to focus on the case, even if she was in the picture. Then I needed to face her and talk it out, and to figure an angle on what to say to her. My thoughts were cut short by a loud knock on the door. It was my old friend Sidney, a federal agent, but a square guy. He was a big man with an honest but unimaginative face. His hat was pushed back, revealing the lined forehead that goes with a troubled expression. As usual, he had a few of his pals from the squad with him. I flashed him my best grin; "Why Sidney, what a nice surprise. Get you a drink?" He shook his big head in an emphatic no, but the boys! with him looked disappointed. "Sam", he began, "there's some dirty business here. I heard you were mixed in it now, so I came to warn you. We may be talking election fraud here, and felony level. You've always been an honest egg, Sam, but just the same; I came to tell you to watch your step. You put your nose where it don't belong and I'll come down on you like a one hundred pound pile of interrogatories. Got me?" Sidney was a square guy all right, but it was best to stay on his good side. "Don't worry Sid", I said with a reassuring smile, "I'll keep my nose clean. By the way, what game are you guys looking into?" Sidney seemed a little reluctant, but said after a pause "it's dimpled chads, Sam. We think someone is dimpling chads to make them look like votes." I let out a low whistle. "That's serious stuff okay, but don't you worry. If I find out anything I'll be sure to let you boys know. I'll have to ask you to leave now if you don't have a warrant." Sidney grunted and headed for the door, turning one last time to say: "watch your step, Sam."
Next day, the polling place was swimming with activity. I had ballots to look at, but figured they could wait while I went to talk to a certain young woman. Only this time, I was ready. She was standing under a red lettered "exit" sign by the counting tables in the democratic observer section, so I moseyed over and offered a cigarette. "I see you're in a better mood, Sam" she said with a toss of her head. "Well doll, I've had a little time to think things over." She nodded her head, then looked at me real intense like. "You ever think about coming to join us Sam? We could really use a guy like you, and beside it might give us a chance to catch up and have some laughs." I wasn't buying, but decided to play her along for awhile, to see where things would go. "Tell me why I should trust you, since you weren't too square with me before. As I recall, you dumped me for a certain governor, though I must admit you picked a winner." She smiled that odd grin of hers and replied "I think you know me better than you realize. Admit it Sam, you still find my research attractive." "Sure I do", I shot back, "and I must admit your offer is interesting." Her eyes opened wide as she smelled the bait. Then she moved real close and breathed out "Sam . . . we're going to win this with or without you; only it would be easier with you. Don't toy with me Sam." And as she said this, she grabbed my hand with her fingertips.
I felt a sudden sharp pain and yanked my hand away; there was a puncture wound and it was bleeding. Then I noticed her index fingernail was sharpened to a fine point. She caught my glance, and smiled; "it's a new style, Sam. It's called 'the pointed nail of the tiger' - it's a big fashion in Hong Kong." "I wonder if the Hong Kong tigers make their men friends bleed" I said smiling and pressing my handkerchief on the wound. "I have no more time to talk, Sam" she whispered. Call me tonight; here's my number. Then she walked to the table, took a bundle of voter cards in hand and began holding them up to the light.
Back at my room, I sat on my bed to sort things out. I couldn't sleep that night, because something was turning over and over in my mind. Then it hit me, and I sat up in bed with cold sweats. There was a half of a cigarette next to my bed, and I lit it while reaching for the phone. "Hello Sid? This is Sam. Yes, I know what time it is, but cool down; I may have a payday for you. Be at the polling place tomorrow at exactly noon, no sooner or later, got it? No, sorry Sid, I can't tell you what I've got, but make sure you're there. Yea, goodnight to you too." My head hit the pillow and I slept like a dead man the rest of the night.
The next morning I placed a call to a certain lady, who was waiting to hear from me. "Doll, there's some big doings at the polling place. I'll be meeting some important people there, and I'll need your help." "Did you think over what I said last night Sam?" she asked in her throaty voice. "Yea, sure, but first I need to meet with the Feds; there's some suspicion about poll tampering, and I need you on the inside to help me. Can I count on you?" "Of course Sam, but then I'm going to press you for an answer." "What you said is starting to make sense", I shot back; "After all, someone's got to make sure seniors can afford their medication." "Oh Sam", she responded "if only you mean that." "Meet me at the polling place, sweetheart, and we'll talk Social Security lock box." "I'm counting the minutes Sam" she answered. And I could see that I was still stuck on her.
About noon she arrived at the polling place, and we walked arm-in-arm to the counting tables. As we strolled in, I saw the gorilla who tried to strong arm me the day before. The side of his face was swollen and blue, and he glared at me but kept his distance. "Smart boy", I said to him, "stick to debating a balanced budget." His arms and neck tensed, but he stayed put. We stepped into the room where we were alone, and I turned to her abruptly. "Now sweetheart", I began with a rigid smile, "I want you to come clean. I know you played dirty with the ballots and I know why, but I want to hear you say it." Her eyes grew big and she shrank away; "Sam", she said, I don't know what you mean. I grabbed her by the shoulders and looked hard in her eyes. "You see, doll, it's like this; I was in Hong Kong last month, and there's no such thing as the pointed nail of the tiger. Also, I know you set me up to flatter me and get me off the case; you never really wanted any partnership! You only wanted to make sure that Sam wasn't writing the briefs for the other side. You told me yourself you wanted to win at any cost, and I was in the way, wasn't I?" She turned her head from my stare; "please Sam, you got me all wrong!" "Oh no I don't sister" I said through clenched teeth, and I held up her right index finger and the pointed nail. "You've been counting the ballots, and when no one sees, you press in and make the dimple, don't you? Only you're being watched and you have to be careful, otherwise you'd punch out the whole chad! Do you think I'm a fool?" Now her eyes were filled with terror, and she started trembling; "what will you do, Sam? Oh please, I need your help Sam." I smiled hard and said "you don't need any help sister; you're real good. You've always landed on your feet. Only, now I have to decide what to do. On the one hand, you dimpled ballots, and a guy in my line can't allow that. I try to win, but not at any cost. Then on the other hand . . . maybe I'm still attracted to you and your research. Maybe I still think we could have had a great partnership, even if we don't agree on all the issues." She pressed close to me and tried to wrap her arms around my waist. "Oh Sam", she said, "let's both leave this place tonight, find an office suite and sign a lease." I gently unwrapped her arms and stepped back. "I'm sorry doll, but no can do. Sid? You can come out now." A second later, Sidney and the feds stepped out from behind a curtain, and began putting the cuffs on her. She was shocked and silent, but more beautiful than ever, and I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt to watch. "You heard it all, Sid" I started, "though I wasn't sure it would come together. You see, I've never been in Hong Kong, but was willing to bluff. It hit me when I remembered the way she held that ballot during the count. I knew she wanted to win at any cost. Be careful with her, Sid, she's packing a sharp fingernail." He smiled and pushed back his hat; "I think I can handle this one, Sam", and started walking her out of the room, though he turned as he left and said "thanks Sam, I owe you one."
As she left the room, she turned back and gave me one last mournful glance. A dimpled ballot slipped from her fingers and fell to the floor. I walked over and picked it up slowly as a few counters arrived at the room, curious looks on their faces at the scene. I held the ballot up to the light and studied the dimple as one of the counters walked up to me. Pointing at the ballot, he asked "what's that?" I replied wearily "the stuff that presidential dreams are made of."
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