The Frosty File
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The Criminal Career of Frosty the Snowman

....by Joseph P. Infranco

News Item: Dr. Tricia Cusack, an art historian on the faculty of England's Birmingham University recently delivered a fifteen page paper titled "The Christmas Snowman, Carnival, and Patriarchy." The subject of Dr. Cusack's scorn was "Frosty the Snowman", which she described as racist, sexist, "grotesque", a symbol of greed, nationalism, and capitalism. Poor Frosty also stands accused of promoting an "engendered spatial-social system", and further that "his presence is a reminder of masculine dominance, order, and surveillance." The paper is the culmination of five years work on the subject. This selection is fondly dedicated to Dr. Cusack, with much thanks for providing a subject deserving satirical comment.

Scotland Yard Confidential: authorized use only
File: "The Snowman" a.k.a. "Frosty"

Memo to file, Lestrade, Inspector. December 3 -

Received confidential memo to begin "snowman" investigation, details to follow. No existing files on subject. I Believe "snowman" to be alias for suspect, likely involved in drugs/narcotics violation, very possibly cocaine or opium. Will have this "snowman" under the bright light confessing in due course.

Memo to file, Lestrade, Inspector. December 5

Supplemental memo from headquarters indicates "snowman" participants will be charged with crimes reflecting social insensitivity and bias. Am not certain why the matter was referred to me, though would guess suspect(s) is extremely dangerous, probably violent. May be homicidal angle to follow. Seems to me that "frosty" may be indicative of homicidal inclination, i.e. putting one "on ice." Will requisition appropriate weaponry from GHQ department.

Memo to file, Lestrade, Inspector. December 7

Request for additional weaponry denied by GHQ. Am furious over development. How does the Yard expect me to apprehend dangerous criminals without proper equipment? Have requested to speak to Chief Inspector Gregson regarding GHQ denial.

Memo to file, Lestrade, Inspector. December 15

Will not pretend that I understand further memo regarding suspect(s). Memo was submitted in code, but key was not provided. Note to speak with intelligence dept. regarding proper code. Message in what appears to be child's poem, i.e.: "Frosty the Snowman was a jolly happy soul - with a corncob pipe and a button nose and two eyes made out of coal." Suspect "button nose" reference to Italian style maffia "button" or "hit" man, confirming earlier suspicion of homicidal feature. Eyes of "coal" (dark eyes?) Possible reference to country of origin? Possibly Middle-Eastern terrorists or Columbian drug gangs? Am more upset with GHQ denial for heavy weaponry, as refusal puts this agent at serious risk. Supplemental note. Renewed suspicion of drug involvement after carefully reviewing encoded memo. Reference to "frosty" as "made of snow", and "magic" in his "old silk hat that day." Believe both these words to be street slang for illicit drugs, though not sure which. Will check with "street" sources to confirm suspicion.

Memo to file, Lestrade, Inspector. December 18

I have just come from meeting with Chief Inspector Gregson. I feel humiliated, and intend to ask him (after collecting my thoughts) why he has treated me this way. I know now that the "Frosty" file is about an actual, that is to say literal, snowman named "Frosty." The snowman, who was allegedly made by children, has inexplicably come to life. The children are to be charged with crimes of moral turpitude, in violation of English Penal Law, as the snowman is in violation of standards respecting sexism, racism, nationalism, and showing disdain to the poor in the excessive support of immoral capitalism. While these are no doubt serious problems, I think it apparent that my specialty lies in dealing with criminal activity of, shall we say, a more aggressive and dangerous nature. I suggested to Gregson that I be permitted to grill frosty under the lights to extract a full confession and obtain the names of the children. In response to this eminently reasonable suggestion, Gregson had the unmitigated poor taste to call me an "idiot", and suggested the lights, or rather the heat thrown off by them had he wished to be precise, would melt the subject. I do not see this as a valid criticism, as this choice is entirely up to Mr. Frosty; should he proffer an expeditious confession, he need have no concern. Rather, it seemed to me that the circumstances provided an ideal atmosphere to induce cooperation, and had Gregson not been such a fusspot, the case might have been solved with far less effort. I deeply and bitterly resent Gregson's treatment of me, and his efforts to push me into these mundane cases. P.S. Have cancelled the request to Intelligence regarding the encoded message. I am now instructed it is a poem allegedly written by the children, and which provides details on "Frosty", though not the identities of the children.

P.P.S. At Gregson's insistence, will submit a memo to legal for clarification as to whether a "snowman" can be charged as a "person" for purposes of the Penal Law. I expressed my opinion to Gregson that although the children are the primary instigators, the snowman's activities would certainly qualify him as an accessory after the fact.

Memo to file, Lestrade, Inspector. December 22

I begin to grasp more fully the significance of the charges. Yesterday, I met with Professor Cusack from the University of Birmingham. The foul little children who created this abominable snowman are charged with crimes against humanity; by their actions, they are supporting racist, sexist, greedy-capitalistic and male chauvinistic ideology. I was not permitted to interrogate the children under the bright lights, as Gregson objected on the basis of their age. It is this coddling of criminal elements and failure to hold children accountable that has led to the demise of our civilization. Nonetheless, I was permitted to unofficially "interview" the children in an effort to ascertain their degree of culpability. If I may state for the record, they were a beastly and disrespectful assortment of urchins who support my view that King Herod has been unfairly maligned. By my questioning, I was able to ascertain the following: the snowman (a.k.a. "Frosty") was constructed of three balls of snow, the largest being at the base and each subsequent ball smaller in diameter. This obviously suggested a corpulent male figure, which impression was buttressed by male accouterments of dress common to the capitalistic oppressor, i.e. a black silk hat and pipe. When asked why the figure was constructed this way, one filthy moppet responded it was "easier", as if this shallow ruse would fool an intelligent adult, let alone a detective! I further inquired on why the figure was white, and the foul juveniles did not respond! My question evidently caught them off guard, and they responded with the puzzled looks (obviously rehearsed) of guilt exposed. I likewise received no replies to my questions on the use of a carrot nose, corncob pipe, or scarf. For my part, I would have rounded up the lot of them and brought them in for questioning, but again my hands have been tied by those who mollycoddle young delinquents. I have prepared a memo for Gregson, and will attempt to locate the snowman, who has been sighted wandering about the countryside, usually accompanied by juvenile accomplices. I have vowed to capture this grotesque snow creature which so terribly embodies male dominance and oppression. I am troubled by the warped minds of children which could conceive of so hideous a creation.

Memo to file, Lestrade, Inspector. December 28

The snowman case is concluded, and I cannot hide my bitterness over the outcome. "Frosty" no longer exists, and apparently melted as a result of the unseasonably warm weather of the past two days. Gregson advises that without the corpus dilecti, no charges can be brought against the children. Had he listened to me, the snowman would have been placed under the bright lights of interrogation; his end would have been no different, and valuable information might have been obtained. As the matter now rests, the children's acts of blatant sexism, racism, male chauvinism, and imperialism will go unpunished. An equal and tolerant society cannot condone such acts, and perpetrators must be crushed without hesitation. We must all look to the day when repulsive round, white snowmen will no longer blight our society. As to the debacle of this investigation, I will not be blamed for Gregson's incompetence. I fully intend to make a record to show I was in no way responsible for the outcome in this case. As the matter appears to be concluded, I will close my file.

Addendum, December 28.

The final copy the children's account, in poetry form, was faxed to my office. The ultimate resting place of the snowman has been ascertained, and the felt hat, carrot nose, corncob pipe and two pieces of coal were gathered as evidence. The matter may not be concluded after all; there is a quote from reliable sources that the snowman was heard to say he intends to "come back some day." I can only surmise that the snowman became aware that the firm hand of moral policy in the law was closing in on him, and in a final act of defiance went "underground." I sense in my heart that he will indeed "come back", and when he does, like the righteous Javert in pursuit of Jean Valjean, I will be there.

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