The Butterfly Stroke
I'm pooped. I'm worn out. Who knew a presidential election could be this much fun? It's a soap opera, it's a sit-com, it's an Irwin Allen doomsday disaster movie; it's the Poseidon Adventure, with Florida playing the role of the boat. Grab the popcorn, pour yourself an extra large soda, take the phone off the hook and fasten your seatbelts, we're in for a bumpy ride.
They're gonna end up making action figures for this one. And the president-elect figure will have interchangeable heads; the square head is Al Gore and the empty one is Dubya.
The Katherine Harris doll, based on the Floridian Secretary of State, comes with a bright red dress and a calculator. Barbie, you blond air-head, eat your heart out.
Ms. Harris has appointed the Florida Secretary of Agriculture (a Republican, of course) to the committee to handle the official re-count. I guess he can finally use all that experience counting cows.
To listen to the pundits on TV Al Gore should fold his tent, whimper an apology for coming close and slink away into the night. So why hold an election at all?
We're making history, here. There's a new member of the dumb idea club; The Edsel, Vice President Dan Qayle, and now the Palm Beach Butterfly Ballot! It'll end up in the Smithsonian Museum. Right next to those "Dewey Wins" newspapers.
Was the butterfly ballot in Palm Beach confusing? No, absolutely not, says the Bush transition team. But, so what if it was. If people were confused into voting by mistake for a neo-fascist instead of their own little Joey Lieberman that's their tough luck. What is this, a democracy? What, are we going to stop and make sure the will of the people get's heard every time. Come on, hurry up. We'll be here all night.
Now the entire country knows how a death row inmate in Texas feels. A new trial? A fair trial? What are you? A citizen? Stop whining and lay down. We're late for the kegger.
Boy, I would have thought the Republicans would be more sensitive about protecting the rights of people who do stupid things.
On the first recount Dubya's lead slipped from 1,784 votes down to 229 votes. Do you sense a trend here? Is your faith in the electorial process strengthened? Is your stomach rolling over? Do you get the feeling we should be requiring minimum SAT math scores for poll workers?
Of course, all the TV pundits are concerned about was that they looked like jack-asses on election night. Like that was a new thing. I don't think the electronic journalists have yet figured out that none of this is about them. Of course, they are still convinced that American is desperate to know what the White House Press Corps thinks about just about everything. Boy, talk about living in a fool's paradise.
And have you noticed who is the brains behind the Democratic vote re-count strategy? Bill Daley, out of Chicago. When you think funny ballots don't the names Daley and Chicago just leap to mind? I don't think the process could be in better hands.
Ain't democracy, wonderful? Efficient, no. Logical, no. Sensible, no. Safe, no. Scary? God, yes. Real democracy makes the Blair Witch Project look like a Clericil commercial. And what's going on Florida is closer to the real thing than most of us are used to looking at.
To the barricades, comrades! Democracy is making another stand. Bunker Hill! Belle Wood! Pork Chop Hill! North Palm Beach! Praise the lord and pass the decaf latte. And maybe I'll have a little nosh of the lox, since you're up.
Kimit Muston is a writer living in North Hollywood. If you have any comments about his columns, he may be reached at inditer.com