According to a new study released by the National Academy of Sciences, bottlenosed dolphins recognize their own image in a mirror, which, according to the N.A.S., is a sign of intelligence - which is a surprise to me. I thought being fascinated by your own image was a sign of something else.
Do you know what these scientists did to these poor dolphins? They coaxed them to poke their heads out of the water and then they drew on them with a marker. If a child did that we'd slap his hands. Of course the dolphins immediately swam to the nearest mirror and tried to see what those skinny hairy creatures had scrawled on top of their heads, probably expecting some kind of dolphin version of a "kick me" sign; something like, "I'm a fish head" or "plug my blow hole". But no matter how many opportunities the dolphins provided them, all the scientists ever drew were boring circles or obvious triangles. The dolphins must have been very disappointed.
Seen from a dolphin's viewpoint evidence of human intelligence is questionable at best. We seem to have an unlimited supply of fish and air but dolphins never see us eat the fish and we put the air in heavy round containers as if there were a shortage of it. Yes, we invented fire and they didn't but then they live in the water. When they get cold they just swim to Bermuda, while we don't. And then there's this mirror thing.
Maybe recognizing yourself in a mirror is a sign of intelligence. And maybe we just think it is because, after all, we invented mirrors. Maybe the smart thing to do was not invent them. Which dolphins did not do.
A couple of years ago I was driving over Laurel Canyon, stuck behind a black Mercedes convertible driven by a well tanned middle aged man with a mane of silvery hair flowing over his head. He couldn't pulls his eyes away from his image in the car's rear view mirror. He would lean forward and tilt his head back and forth to get a vision of every gorgeous nook and cranny of his reflection, and then watch himself sweep a hand through his hair, as if reveling in the feel and the vision of it's well coifed silkiness - all while driving down a narrow two lane road along the edge of a cliff. Smart, huh?
As we wound our way down the hill he suddenly extend his left fore-finger, jammed it up his left nostril to the knuckle and began to root about as if searching for the Lost Dutchman Mine. I saw this because he further leaned forward to watch this probing in that same rear view mirror, as if there was a chance his finger was going to miss his nose. I can testify it didn't because that mirror provided me with a superb if unwanted view of the excavations.
Now, as a male I occasionally stick my finger up my nose to clear a passage for breathing. (Women, as we all know, never do this.) But I have never in my life ever done it in front of a mirror so I could watch myself doing it, and certainly never while controlling a moving vehicle on a winding canyon road. And yet, according to the N.A.S., this man's actions were a sign of intelligence.
What he did next probably makes him a genius. After rooting about in his nasal cavity for a few minutes he withdrew his digit and immediately resumed running that same hand through his lovely hair. This guy's I.Q. must be off the chart - at one end or the other.
Has anybody ever asked a dolphin by what standards they judge intelligence? I'll bet it has nothing to do with mirrors. I'll bet the dolphins celebrated in the N.A.S. study are, in the opinion of other dolphins, conceited idiotic crass boors; the kind of dolphins who would jam a flipper up their blow holes in public if their flippers could reach their blow holes.
I'm not saying active nose picking is proof of stupidity. But flipper never picked his nose. And if that isn't intelligence it is at least evolution - in the opinion of most women.
Kimit Muston's columns appear regularly in the Los Angeles Daily News. If you have any comments regarding his columns he may be reached at inditer.com
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