The Fix Is In

These days the air is thick with accusations: the election was "stolen"; the election was "rigged" by the candidate's baby bro, Jeb; and (my favorite) when Dubya said that the Supreme Court of Florida had the gall to phrase a legal opinion in "legalistic language" (what, they should have used Pig Latin?).

If you're on the left, the fix was in. If you're on the right, sure, the fix was in, but it was okay cause it favors our side, and how dare anyone point that out?

But there is a point on which all parties seem to agree: the entire election hinged on the ding darned "media" portraying their candidate in the worst possible light. This is partly true: I haven't seen a photo of Gore that doesn't look as if he's constipated, and the shots of Bush all look as if he really, really wants to pick his nose.

Now, the right blames the "liberals who are obviously running the media" (like who, Rupert Murdoch?) for the fact that Dubya can't compound a sentence, and making their boy look, well, kinda stoopit.

The left blames the "right-wing leaning media" (like who, Robert Scheer?) for making Al Gore lose his home state and having all the warmth of a chrome bumper.

So the right claims that the tree-hugging, baby-seal adopting, hemp-sandal wearing hippie freaks are running the Fourth Estate, and the left claims it's the baby-seal stomping oil/big business barons that give MSNBC and Fox their marching orders.

Know what? It's none of those guys. And it's no one in this particular cast of villains:

1. The Wicked Witch of the SouthEast, Katherine Harris. Come on, people, she's just doing her job! Like any good storm trooper. She's gotta make sure the UnterCandidate gets in, or she's facing a political lifespan shorter than a rainbow trout in the Gobi.

2. William Christopher, aka "Jazz Man": He's being a team player, guys. I mean, really: take away the wrinkles, the man could *be* Al Gore.

3. The Austin Powers, Karen Hughes and Karl Rove: See # 1.

If you really want to know who's in charge of making sure that the worst possible candidate for the presidency gets in, you need to examine the *reasons* that someone would want the worst possible candidate for the presidency to get in:

It'd be funny. So I think we can say without further adieu that the puissance controlling the media, leading to the probable election of G.W. Bush, is: the comics. Yes, Letterman, Leno, Maher, Stewart; they're all in on it. It's a vast chicken wing conspiracy, people.

Dubya, without doubt, would bring far more guffaws in four years than Gore the Bore, Gore the Wonk, Gore the hall monitor.

The first time Bush tries to pronounce anything with more than 6 consonants, Letterman's ratings zoom. Makes perfect sense to me.

Or did you forget that the elections were at the beginning of November sweeps?

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Kimit Muston is a writer living in North Hollywood. If you have any comments about his columns,
he may be contacted at inditer.com

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