The Internet Fringe

All you need to know if you're buying, up-grading, or otherwise doing things with computers

I recently received a telephone call from a dear boyhood friend whom I hadn't spoken to since high school. After our reunion dinner he offered me his address, and when I ask for a translation of his hieroglyphics he explained that his house was the one hundred and twenty-first building west of the East River, on Seventy-seventh street, in Manhattan.

Yes, such a display of ignorance had a certain charm about it, but without an E-mail address he was dead to me and we have not communicated since.

Face it, you must own a computer today, even if you don't understand how it works. Or why. And, while it is true that you can be happy without owning a computer, it is also true that eventually the Social Pressure Police will track you down and mock you if you do not become on-line soon.

I have been using a PC (personal computer) for about fifteen years now and in all humility there is not a single convoluted, contrary, idiotic thing the machine can do that surprises me anymore. I have decided to write an advice column for those who have received or bought a new computer for the holidays and are too frightened to even take it out of the box. I have decided to call my new column, The Internet Fringe.

First, let me assure you all that the archaic days of the Commodore 64 are gone, when complete quarterly reports and half a year's tax records could disappear into the little box never to be seen again. Today's machine are much more dependable, with memories which can devour and lose entire novels and a decade of tax records without even getting indigestion. Luckily, mine didn't lose this column. So, on to the letters.

Dear Fringe: I am terrified. I turn on my computer and it beeps and then it just sits there looking at me. This darn thing cost me almost two thousand dollars. What am I doing wrong? Signed, Stupid.

Dear Stupid; Fear not. Your problem has a simple solution. As quickly as possible throw your computer out the window. Then, buy a new one. This may seem expensive at first but believe me, after spending the next four months seeking help on the 24 hour help line, you're going to end up doing the same thing.

Dear Fringe: A friend recently told me that my three month old computer was obsolete. Is this possible? My friend insists that I can "up grade". What is that? Signed, Foolish.

Dear Foolish: First, get a new friend. Second, by the time you get your "up grade" up and running, the "upgrade" is going to be obsolete as well. There is only one solution to your problem. As quickly as possible throw your computer out the window and buy a new one.

Dear Fringe: I have thrown my computer out the window. What should I look for in a new computer? Signed Ignorant.

Dear Ignorant: Your new computer should have a minimum of two hundred and forty gigabytes of ROM memory, a dual Quad semi-circular double density disc drive with power steering, a Pendulum twelve chip, multi-tasking multiples, side scanner capabilities and cost at least six thousand dollars.

But you should know that even with all this it is still going to be obsolete by the time you get it out of the box, it will still crash when ever it darn well wants to, and it will still freeze up while downloading porno just as your in-laws are entering into the room. This is what is known as the computer revolution.

I will answer all questions sent to this E-Zine - put 'fringe' in the subject line, if I can ever boot up my ‘puter again. Please put 'computer' in the subject line.

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Kimit Muston is a writer living in North Hollywood. If you have any comments about his columns,
he may be contacted at inditer.com

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