....© 2000, Kimit A. Muston
I think it is time we stopped pretending that in today's America a public education is worth the paper it's printed on. After being pulled to pieces between liberal social experiments and conservative budget slashes, there is very little education still going on. Oh, sure, you can learn to spell or how to request a cup of coffee in French and how to recognize mathematics when you see it, but of what use are those skills in today's fast paced, hurly-burly, electronic guizmoed world? I mean, how many seniors from the class of 2000 even know the difference between a hurly and a burly?
I think it's time to rebuild the public schools from the ground up, to demand that they prepare our children for the real world, with real skills they can really use. Really. It is time to design the education system to prepare children to be game show contestants.
What was the title track on Mariah Carey's last album? You don't know? You wouldn't even get past the $100 question on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire." You're probably wasting time still trying to figure out why that show's name doesn't have a question mark at the end, you punctuation freak. You, with your college and your SAT scores are unqualified to exist in twenty-first century America.
History? Nobody ever made money knowing history. Put the following historical events in correct order, east to west: A, Michael Jackson's first European Tour, B, Barbra Striesand's first husband, C., The original title of "Scream", and D., the title track on Mariah Carey's last album." You show me a text book that contains that information and I'll show you a million dollar history course!
Chemistry? Degrees in Chemistry have been worthless since 1989 when drug use became "bad". Name the last time you saw a chemical compound on "Wheel Of Fortune!" "I'm looking for an umlaut, Vanna!" "Roy, there's four of them. Let's turn them around and see what we've got. Hydrocarbonized-thermo-blank-blank-blank. Do you want to take a guess, Roy?" There's an episode of "Wheel" you'll never see.
I'm sure the geriatrics who watch "Jeopardy" are going to whine about the dumbing down of America. Well, I've got news for them. Americans were always dumb. Guess who lost the Alamo; Americans. And who lost my car keys every time I put them down? An American. And who do you think lost the battle of Waterloo? No, really, I have no idea. Who did?
I say it's time we admit our dumbness and celebrate our dumbness and enjoy our dumbness. Americans can't figure out how to refold a road map. Hooray for us! We can't find England on a map of England. Who wants to! And we keep believing what we see on political commercials. So what? Let's see some smarty pants from France win on "Twenty-One", without speaking English.
America chose it's intellectual role models a long time ago. Just ask yourself: what group of people has this nation admired above all others for the last fifty years? What group of people have had their photographs in almost every American home since 1959? Whose lives and opinions were memorized by every adolescent male from Maine to San Diego? Playboy bunnies, that's who! For the last fifty years, the youth of this nation have aspired to be no smarter than someone who considers "global warming and rude behavior" equal turn-offs. You can't do that and be smart. Not at the same time, you can't.
So, lighten up teachers of America. We're a nation of idiots and we want our game shows the same way. So take your diplomas and excess neurons and take a hike. Mariah Carey doesn't need you to sell albums.
Kimit Muston is a writer who lives in North Hollywood, California. His work is published in the L.A.Times and the L.A.Daily News. "Stupid Game Shows" will be published Sunday, April 30th by the L.A.Daily News.