The Gulf of Florida

I don't want to panic anybody but The Fate Of Our Democracy is in the Hands Of Floridians! Lower the life boats! Woman and Libertarians first! I am certain that two hundred years ago Alexander Hamilton had a nightmare just like this.

Here's the joke of the week; How many Floridians does it take to count an election. The answer; I have no idea.

I'd say we were in hillbilly hell but Florida doesn't have any hills. All we can pray for at this point is that global warming hurries up and the sea level rises enough to turn Tallahassee into an underwater theme park; coral and crackers.

The state is going down, according to the scientists, just not fast enough. In fifty years the ocean levels are expected to rise fifty feet. According to my atlas the highest point in Florida is only 340 feet above current sea level. They'd better save all those ballots because in a few years they're going to need something to stand on.

But then, George Bush says he's not convinced global warming is really happening. Still, I'll bet his presidential library isn't going to be built on any beach front property.

The entire thing is going to end in the courts, of course. What American drama today doesn't end in the courts. Sex, religion, friendship and accidental shootings, lawyers have turned all our favorite recreational pastimes into litigation tournaments. And now, lawyers and elections; what a great combination. Who wouldn't want to place the future of nation in the hands of the Simpson jury?

The Republican position is that the law does not specifically state hand recounts can take place in Florida. Is this what they died for at Concord Bridge? So that an election law, written by some Florida State C+ law school graduate could be enforced to the letter? I say we go up to Arlington cemetery and ask the guys up there if that's what they had in mind.

Dubya's team is convinced Al Gore is trying to steal the election. I shall avoid asking how you steal an election by counting votes. But I will point out that we superior types here in California use the exact same punch card system.

Did your chad hang the last time you voted? Did anybody tell you it could? Had you ever heard of a chad before, outside of Chad Everett, of course.

He is the handsome, square jawed actor I last saw in the third Airplane movie, in which his arm fell off. It was a big laugh moment. But oddly enough the exact same thing happened to Al Gore in a dream I had last night. And in my dream Ralph Nader picked up the limb and ask Al if he was missing something. Then I woke up. I think.

If we didn't have the electoral college the election would have been over in 24 hours. But our founding fathers evidently didn't really think democracy was going to work. They created the electoral college to protect us from ourselves, and to provide later generations with proof that the founding fathers could be just as stupid as anybody else.

Everybody knows we ought to dump the electoral college. But the tiny states like Rhode Island and Delaware don't want to let go of it. So I say we call up the California National guard and invade them. How long could it take to beat up Rhode Island? Three days? It's got to be faster than waiting to see if Floridians can count to three million.

So this will be Florida's legacy to the world; Burt Renyolds, Anita Bryant and Hanging Chads. A week ago hanging Chads in public was illegal in Palm Beach. Now, they're broadcasting them around the world on CNN. The world has gone insane. And for this we can thank Florida.

Florida; large flat, wet peninsula or national joke. You decide.

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Kimit Muston is a writer living in North Hollywood, Ca. If you have any comments about his columns, he may be reached at inditer.com

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