by ....© 2000, Kimit A. Muston
I know it happens every September. I know this isn't the end of the world. But it's been two weeks, now. I'm tired of the heat. I want to be cool again. And I want it now.
Oh, I know it's only been in the upper 90's in "L.A." But "L.A." is always about ten degrees cooler than the Valley. Heck, for the past two weeks an open flame has been ten degrees cooler than the valley.
It was 108 at my house this past weekend. When I opened my front door it felt as if Satan was barbecuing on the lawn. You could bake a potato in my mail box. You could fry an egg on my front walk. You could roast a turkey in my oven. Without turning it on! We're talking a seven course meal heat wave, here.
Through my closed windows I could hear my outdoor plants begging to be put out of their misery. The ants from my neighbor's yard have taken over my kitchen. They ignored the opened honey jar and formed a large circle around the drain in the sink. When I washed them away I could hear their joint "thank you" echoing up from the pipes. I've seen house flies using their tiny little legs to wipe their brows. It's too hot!
This is not natural, even for L.A. It has got to be either global warming or divine punishment sent down from on high by Tipper Gore and Joe Liberman. I say we sacrifice Arnold Swartzenager and beg forgiveness.
I'm tired of my dachshund on his afternoon walks looking as if he were a Dodger Dog in training. I'm tired of a trip to the mail box feeling like a remake of "Lawrence of Arabia". And if one more person says to me, "Yes, but it's a dry heat", I may consider homicide. If it isn't too darn HOT!
You can't do anything in this heat. You can't play tennis, you can't jog, and, evidently, you can't even drive a bus. We have to do something about this. Where are our scientists? Where is our government? Where is our sun block?
I've been watching the weather channel, looking for some sign of relief. All I see are pregnant woman. What is it about this station? Every female meteorologist on camera has been "with child" at least twice in the last year, some of them three or four times. Was there a minimum profundity level on the application form? Did they have to pass a fertility test and read a barometer to get hired? And what are they doing with all the babies? That's too many babies. But I digress.
According to the incredibly fertile women on the Weather Channel, the cause of our agony is a high pressure area over Arizona. So has anybody tried talking to the Arizonians? Are they willing to listen to reason? Can they be bought off? I'll donate ten bucks. And if they don't want money, what do they want? Movie stars? Hey, Tom Arnold is on the next bus to Phoenix. And if he's not good enough, I say we send in the California National Guard.
My wife, who is a native Angeleno, is more philosophical about this heat than I am. She stands at the window for hours on end, gazing longingly at the bright blue sky and chants softly, "It's never going to rain again in L.A. Ever." I was thinking of getting her a wading pool to cheer her up but decided against it. It would probably melt.
The usual response I hear to my complaints is, "Go to the beach", which must be some kind of L.A. joke. What is there to do at the beach? Sit in the sun, right? Doesn't that negate the entire reason for going? I don't want to get a tan, I want to be cool.
I want to feel goose bumps again. I want to eat ice cream without having to rush. I want to wear a jacket without being locked up in a mental institution. I want the D.W.P. to stop threatening to arrest my air conditioner. I want to be able to go outside without heat stroke. Is that too much to ask?
I know that, come February, I'll be complaining about the damp chill, but winter is three long months away. That's an entire TV season. I can't wait that long.
Kimit Muston is a writer sweating in North Hollywood. If you have comments about his columns, you can reach him at editor@inditer.com , or kmuston@inditer.com
Kimit Muston is a writer living in North Hollywood. He may be contacted at editor@inditer.com
or kmuston@inditer.com