Headlines Missed

I have discovered that the world has actually continued to revolve on its axis while the news media has been spinning in one place. Yes, there was news besides the Fiasco in Florida and the Tallahassee Tango. And as a public service I'd like to present some of the headlines you missed because of the soap opera from the Sunshine State (boy, is that a misnomer).

World Peace Declared!
This headline was, unfortunately, a little optimistic. Actually all that happened was that Slobodan Milosovich and Osama bin Laden both got the flu at the same time and were out of action for most the week. However, this story did provide some comfort to good, decent and sane people around the world who also got the flu.

Space Station Spreads its Wings!
Well, its solar panels. I am told that once it finally all comes together, the "International Space Station" will actually be visible from the ground. Which means they won't have to explain it to Dubya once he gets into the White House. "Mr. President? Look up! No, up. In the sky. The big silver thing. Oh, never mind. Here's a picture of it." I should point out that the Space Station is "International" the same way the "House of Pancakes" is "International". It's just a name. We bought the meal, the rest of the world left the tip.

New Study Finds Dogs are Geniuses and Cats Are Stupid.
This story originated on one of those stock market Internet billboards and spread across the country in a matter of minutes. Dog food stocks went through the roof while cat stocks littered the floor. But within twenty-four hours it was revealed to be a fraud. The FBI won't release too many details because of their on-going investigation but they have interviewed my wiener dog Ernie three times.

And just how does an on-going investigation differ from the basic standard investigation? If you just say investigation does that mean you aren't actually investigating anything?

Generation X Actors Marry Each Other.
This became the first news story in history to be canceled because of lack of interest.

Governor of Florida Charged With Conspiracy To Litter.
It seems a car owned by Jeb Bush but driven by somebody else, anybody else, was spotted on a Florida back road dumping several thousand ballots. Legal history was made when the governor was found not guilty thanks to his Oedipus defense, which required the judge to poke his own eyes out when the ballots were introduced as evidence so he wouldn't see them.

Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan Says Interest Rates Might Go Down. Possibly. Sooner or Later.
This one headline caused the whiplash deaths of sixty-three stock brokers. Mr. Greenspan went on to say that he wasn't sure if it might not be necessary to raise interest rates in the near future. These comments killed fourteen more.

Alan Greenspan Revealed To Be Insane Serial Killer With Bizarre Sense of Humor.
Well, no explanation required for this news story.

Super Mega Merger. Entire World Now Owned by Disney.
It was inevitable, wasn't it? What was not foreseen by the financial wizards at Disney was that once they owned everything the public didn't have to go to Disneyland. They were already in Disneyland. This caused the price of Disney stock to collapse leading to world wide starvation, war and pestilence.

Luckily the following week saw this headline;

Rupert Murdock Trades Fox Stock for Planet. Declared King Of The Earth.
The following week he traded Canada for a new left handed pitcher for the Dodgers. It didn't do any good.

And also from the sports page, Football Found To Encourage Violence In Children. End of Broadcasts Urged for Public Good.
Based on a study done by two Harvard social scientists this story resulted in all broadcast networks announcing that they would no longer cover any event associated in any way with Harvard.

There. Now you didn't missed a thing.

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Kimit Muston is a writer living in North Hollywood. If you have any comments about his columns,
he may be contacted at inditer.com

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