....© 2000, Kimit A. Muston
I want to work for the Federal Government. They are paying five million dollars to study ways to improve the 101/405 interchange. As I recall this will be the third study in the last five years. Those of you with some knowledge of the federal government's habits with taxpayer money may be shocked at the paltry sum set aside for this redundant investigation, but I for one am not going to criticize the feds. In fact, in the name of civic duty I'm willing to take a loss and study this problem for them. Of course, for five million bucks I'm not going to be putting in any overtime. But I think they'll get their money's worth.
The official study is only supposed to consider three possible improvements to the interchange: more connector lanes, more traffic lanes and teleporting cars over the Sepulvada Pass. Whereas I will be offering dozens of solutions, which will fall into four broad categories: "radical", "conservative", "cheap", and "I know this sounds crazy, but let's try it anyway."
As an example, under my "radical" category, I think we should forget those annoying empty car pool lanes and rather establish a high speed lane on both the 405 and the 101, in which the minimum speed allowed will be 110 miles per hour. Drivers may use this lane at speed only while they are: A; talking on their cell phone, B: talking to someone who is not in the car with them and hoping people will think they are talking on their cell phone, C: putting on make-up or picking their nose, or D: on a motorcycle weaving between cars. According to my calculations use of this high speed lane for one week will cut traffic on the interchange in half for up to a year.
Second, under my "conservative" approach, I would suggest a new exit ramp on the westbound 101 just past Laurel Canyon Blvd. This ramp would be called, "All Tourists Exit Here". Taking this ramp, out of town drivers will enter a tunnel which will deposit them just outside of Palmdale. Let them find their own way back.
Third, under my "cheap" category, I propose the construction of a monorail line down the center of the 101 freeway between Universal City and Sherman Oaks. A Monorail would not, of course, cut congestion (no mass transit project ever does that), but the endless delays the construction causes will drive many commuters to take lower paying jobs in some other part of the country, which WILL reduce congestion. And the beauty of this solution is, it never has to end. Should congestion continue, so does the construction. (i.e. See Orange Country traffic improvements, 1969 to infinity.)
As an even cheaper alternative the city of Los Angeles could take a cue from the agriculture department which pays farmers not to grow crops and simply offer drivers a million dollars each to leave town for five years. Hey, I'd go.
If none of the above plans interests the traffic geniuses at Caltrans, we could move on to my final category, "I know this sounds crazy...". Here I simply throw out ideas. Run ‘em up the flag pole and see if anybody slams on the brakes. Send out the street sweeper and see if it moves the dirt around.
We could make road rage a sport. We've got the helicopters, we could broadcast it. Or we could just blow up the entire interchange. If it ain't there, it can't be congested. We could follow the lead of the Roman Emperor Constantine and simply declare that on Tuesdays and Thursdays, "Downtown" was now in Sherman Oaks. Or...I noticed that the sky's are filled with "traffic copters" occupied by reporters providing hot information such as "traffic on the 101 is terrible!", and "The 405 is slowed to a crawl!" Well, why not put those helicopters to practical use? Get rid of the reporters. Put commuters up there. Use those fancy egg beaters to fly people to work and back, get them off the roads.
Now, this is only a five million dollar study and you can't expect me to go into too much detail for that kind of chump change. But still, if you don't like any of my other ideas, I have one final suggestion: large green signs on the both sides of the 101 and the 405 as you approach their joining. The signs will read, "Abandon Hope, All Who Enter Here." This will do nothing to reduce congestion but at least quoting from Dante would be more honest than calling either of those roads "freeways."
Kimit A.Muston is a writer living in North Hollywood. His work may also be seen in the Los Angeles Times and the Los Angeles Daily News.