....© 2000, Kimit A. Muston
I want to be the first non-appointed citizen of Los Angeles to welcome the Democrats to town for their convention. Welcome, welcome, welcome, you political junkies, you. Welcome to the hub of the Pacific Rim, the crux of the new economy and the southern home of the film industry. (The northern home being Toronto *.)
Welcome to the new L.A.; brash and trash and proud of it! Please excuse the sprawl. Pull up a hotel and put your feet up. Have a celebrity or two on ice. And feel free to use your Disneyland discount card. Oh, and, let me take that wallet off your hands. There, don't you feel lighter now?
We've been getting ready for your visit for months, rushing to finish jobs we've been putting off for years. We've laid new bricks down at the Pueblo and we've put up big steel letters at the airport that spell "L-A-X" so your taxi driver knows where he is when he gets there. Your drive from the airport will be marked by tall glass towers illuminated by lovely multicolored lights - at least until some teenager shows up with a handful of rocks - and we've been patching the potholes in our downtown streets should you foolishly venture from your hotel to check out the action in Pershing Square. Evidently we've had the money to do these things for some time but the politicians didn't want to give it up. I guess it is a little like never letting your own family eat off the "good china".
I'm sure your visit will be pleasant and safe but if you should run into any anarchists armed with sticks you ought to know that the police response has recently been a bit tardy. Just to be on the safe side why don't you write down Chief Bernard Park's home phone number and try calling him direct. Maybe you can get an answer. And if you have concerns before you go out just check in with Jackie Goldberg, our community relations specialists. She knows exactly what's going on...someplace.
Or you could turn on the TV in your hotel room. Our local stations have more helicopters than most Air Forces. If there is a riot, a car chase or a serial litter bug anywhere in the 17 quadrillion square miles that make up L.A., our local TV stations will slap it on the air live and then cover it up with banners announcing "Breaking News!" They rarely bother with city council meetings, but as the news directors' motto goes, "If you can't cover it from a helicopter, it ain't news!" Edward R. Morrow would agree if he weren't spinning in his grave so fast.
While you're in town, Democrats, please feel free to take a stroll on our freeways and visit some of our multi-cultural landmarks. There's a lovely Buddhist Temple in Little Tokyo that...oh, well, maybe next time.
The Staples Center where you will be meeting is home to the NBA Champion L.A.Lakers. The season is over but you can still get a feel for the excitement of their victory with a tour of the riot zone. Those boarded up store fronts make you feel like you're right in the middle of the action. All the businesses around the Staples Center have been putting on extra property insurance in anticipation of a new Laker dynasty. That's community spirit!
You should also visit one of the cheesy little tourist traps around Hollywood and Vine before they are all driven out of business by the cheesy corporate mega-tourist traps in the new Kodak Academy Award Center due to open next year. And how about a nice lunch at the Brown Derby? I think it's a McDonald's now but on the bright side, you don't need a reservation anymore.
Yes, L.A. is just dripping with glamor. Over on Wiltshire Blvd., behind a locked chain link fence is the abandoned world famous Ambassador Hotel. Ten years ago it was going to be a school named after Robert Kennedy who was killed there, but the preservationists put a stop to that perfidy. If you peek through the fence and squint you can get an idea of how glitzy it used look in the 1950's. If you close your eyes entirely you can pretend it's not even there.
Oh, I know what you really want to see. You want to see the scandal, the shame of L.A. You want to see the Belmont Learning Center. You want to slowly drive through Brentwood, hanging out the window and snapping pictures. You want to take a tour of Rodney King arrest spots. You want to see where that English guy went parking with the prostitute. I'll bet you even want to go to a party at Dennis Rodman's house. And you're expecting us to help pay for that? Do you think for one second that the citizens of Los Angeles would trivialize their own tragedies for mere profit? You're darn right we would. But we charge extra for that.
So, welcome Democrats. Mi casa, es su casa, as long as your money holds out. L.A. may not be the place you expected, but it could be worse. You could be in Philadelphia.
Kimit Muston is a writer living in North Hollywood. He may be contacted with comments on his column on the Internet at inditer.com
* Ed Note: I've been told and led to believe that Vancouver and Vancouver Island were considered to be the 'northern home' of the film industry. That's likely a simple case of parochialism.
Kimit A.Muston is a writer living in North Hollywood. He may be contacted at www.inditer.com.
His work may be also be read in the Los Angeles Daily News