Rachael Kaufman - Road Kill

The Short Stories of Rachael Kaufman
Rachel Kaufmannis 17 years old, and from Illinois where she attends DeKalb High School (she will be a senior this fall - 2001). After high school, she plans to study pharmacy; hopefully at the St. Louis College of Pharmacy. As hobbies go, Rachel draws, sketches and does other related "artistic work". She also plays the piano and is involved in theater and the speech team at school. Rachel also takes and helps to instruct karate classes at the YMCA.
Roadkill

......by Rachel Kaufmann

Ever wondered exactly what comes after “And they all lived happily ever after”? It can’t just end there; like that, there just has to be more. Take the “Frog Prince” and his princess. Actually, his name was Earl and hers was Loubelle, but that’s something else. We know about how Loubelle changed Earl back into a prince from a frog by kissing him. But what happened to them after they got married?

Well, Earl swept Loubelle off her feet and took her to his mansion somewhere in the opposite direction from wherever it was that she lived. And they were happy for quite some time. Earl enjoyed Loubelle’s company very much, so when their relationship began to cool down, Earl got very worried.

“What’s wrong?” He asked her one evening during dinner.

“Nothing.” She replied.

“You don’t talk to me like you used to.”

“I’ve just been tired.”

“For the last three months?”

“Um...”

“Don’t you love me anymore?”

“Sure I do. We would have been divorced already if I didn’t. By the way, has anything come from my lawyer lately? I’m expecting some important information from him.”

“No,” he answered nervously.

Prince Earl was still very much in love with Loubelle, but he had noticed lately that she was more interested in shopping, eating and sleeping than in him. He needed to find a way to rekindle their relationship. For days he locked himself up in his room, trying to figure out how to make their relationship “hot” again. Finally, he realized what he should do.

He’d decided against sexy-smelling massage oils and skimpy lingerie, and affairs with other women, he knew that those would not work with Loubelle. He knew exactly how to make her madly in love with him again.

He would go to the witch who had first changed him into a frog and beg her to change him back into one again to recreate the moment they first met.

The witch, being mischievous as she was, consented, but changed the spell so he would turn into a rabbit instead of a frog. She then sent a message to Loubelle informing her of her husband’s condition. Then, she sat back and watched.

Soon, enough, Loubelle came charging through the brush. “Where is he!” she yelled, “Why did I ever marry that idiot?! You’d think a year as a frog would be enough, but NO! What did he do to her now? She seems like such a nice lady... with magical powers, but still nice. Mother wanted me to marry a doctor. But no. I had to marry an idiot!” Loubelle got down on all fours next to the pond where they first met and began to call out Earl’s name.

After a while, a frog leaped out of the pond. Immediately, Loubelle grabbed it, and planted a kiss on it. Then she waited. And waited. Nothing happened. She growled and gritted her teeth and began calling Earl’s name again. Soon enough, another frog leaped out of the pond. Loubelle, not wanting the humiliation of kissing another regular frog, looked at it for a minute. She was not stupid, you know. “Are you Earl?” She asked the frog.

“Nope,” he replied, “I’m Fred. Earl got some dame to break his spell and now he’s livin’ large in some mansion somewhere.” He yawned. “But I think there’s a new rabbit named Earl. Claims to be a prince. Keeps yelling about a stupid, backstabbing witch. You should go talk to him.”

“That’s it!” She yelled exasporatedly, and stomped off to find Earl. When she found him he was a frightened, pathetic rubble of a rabbit huddling in a corner. He was brownish, with white clumps of fur placed periodically on his face, ears and tail. Loubelle picked him up angrily, sighed, and kissed him. And waited. And waited. Nothing happened.

“Earl?” she said, hesitantly.

“Yes honey?”

“What did you do to her this time? What did you do to make her so mad? And why aren’t you changing back into a human; like before?”

“Nothing. I didn’t do anything to make her angry. I don’t know why I’m not changing back. I asked her to change me back into a frog so I could re-create the day we met because you aren’t interested in me any more.”

“Oh, honey. Of course I’m still interested in you. I love you. Come on baby; let’s go find that little witch and get her to reverse the spell.” So, they went off and eventually came across the witch. They asked her as politely as they could to change him back into his human form. But she wouldn’t, and she said she couldn’t. In her effort to be a prankster she had made the spell permanent or for 100 years; which ever came last. Loubelle and Earl went off very upset.

After a while, (we’re talking months here) Loubelle couldn’t take it anymore. All Earl ever did was complain about how he would never be human again. He also wailed about how he couldn’t understand how Loubelle could still love him, even though he was a rabbit. And he became bitter and rather annoying.

Eventually, Loubelle stopped trying to comfort him and began to ignore him all together. After a while, she got so sick of him that she turned him loose in the woods, and remarried a multi-millionaire who lived in Las Vegas and owned a casino, a hotel and a lounge/restaurant.

Earl lived in the forest for a while, but he eventually got bored of his “roughing-it” life. So, he decided to return to his mansion and see how his wife (or ex-wife as he figured it) was fairing. As he hopped out into the road, he heard a sound. He couldn’t quite identify it because he had been away from civilization for so long. He thought that maybe it was Loubelle, coming back to take him home and apologize for turning him out into the wild.

So, he hopped out into the middle of the road. The sound was coming closer and closer very, very fast. And before he could say “Hello Dolly!” BAM!!! He was flat on the road. Road kill. Crow dinner. Scoop him up with a spatula and flip him over. A road pancake. Finito. Dead. Gone. Not of this world. Flying on feathered wings in heaven. No longer living.

Needless to say, Loubelle ended up getting mixed up in drug trafficking and OD’d on heroine one night in her ex-husband’s casino (they had had a nasty divorce and she was turned out on the street.), and died.

And everyone who is still alive may have lived happoily ever after. We're not quite Sure.

The End

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